As this dreaded year of 2006 draws to a close, I find myself compelled to set forth some resolutions for the coming year. They are as follows:1. Take more time out to rest my delicate back.2. Stand up for myself and not let Major Don West bully me.3. Spend more time educating young Will Robinson.4. Write another masterpiece about my continued survival in this forsaken wilderness.5. Eat better.6. Re-program that tin-plated traitor to be more supportive of my goodself.As I am already such an abstemious and exemplary character, there is little to improve upon, but I will devote my time here to making the lives of others more fulfilling by bestowing my great wisdom upon them.
This week I have had one of the most awful experiences of my life. At first I thought that it was such a wonderful turn of good fortune when a shiny sophisticated space ship from the 24th century landed on our planet, violating the Temporal Prime Directive of course, but what's a few skewed timelines betwixt friends? Friends!!! Ah, at first I thought they were friends, I thought they were going to take me back to Earth on their ship, the USS Voyager. Well, truth to tell, they DID offer to take my goodself and those Robinsons on board, and they DID say that their destination would be Earth, but ...
What they initially neglected to inform me was that their journey home would take 70 years! Imagine that! I will be an old man by then, too old ... oh, woe is me!
As if that wasn't enough indignity for me to endure, I've had to put up with Captain Kathryn Janeway trying to enlist me as a member of her crew. She said something about the Jeffries tubes needing cleaning. More menial work! She is no better than the Robinsons in that regard, expecting me to perform hard labour in order to secure my passage back to Earth! Indeed! Hmph!!
Apart from the Captain's overbearing manner, I have also had to endure the most dreadful cybernetic creatures known as The Borg. Oh, the pain, the pain! They tried to assimulate me, you know. Fortunately the Emergency Medical Hologram managed to remove the dreadful nanobots and Borg implants, but I'm still suffering terrible nightmares and flashbacks ... oh, the pain, the pain!
I think I will offer the Robot to the Borg, perhaps they can enhance his functions with their advanced technology. He will be able to perform all the menial work required, so that I will be able to pass the voyage in comfort and dignity, as befitting my noble bearing and my esteemed reputation.
Hmmm ... how shall I pass the next 70 years? Perhaps I will continue my writing, and I'm also reliably informed that on board Voyager there are machines which will dispense any food and drink which I require. Maybe it won't be such an ordeal after all.
I need to think about this and have a long lie-down to recover from the assimulation.
Oh, woe is me! I am suffering such excruciating pain, of the dental variety. Last night I was kept awake by the most horrific toothache I have ever experienced. Oh, the throbbing, the intense pain, I was quite beside myself with worry and immense discomfort. I took one of my painkillers but to no avail, the pain continued to beat away at me, scourging my soul, inflaming my gum to such an extent that I was screaming out in agony.
After a while, a solution, albeit a rather drastic one, came to mind. I summoned my trusty mechanical friend and explained to him my dilemma. He of course agreed to help immediately. I found some dental implements in my medical bag and proceeded to instruct the robot in their use. He took up one of the implements and prodded around the infected tooth. Ohhh! I yelped in excruciating agony! Oh, you bumbling bucket of bolts! Oh, stop that! Stop that at once I say! You are only making matters worse!
There was no other remedy than to pull the offending tooth. The robot took up a pair of pliers and set to, whistling merrily as he did so. Aaaaaargh!! No, no more I beg of you! Stop that! Stop I say! YOU HAVE PULLED THE WRONG TOOTH YOU NUMSKULL!!!
I have decided to record a musical concept album to catalogue my torment and all the ordeals which I am having to face. The Robot, such a sterling fellow, has excellent recording facilities, and so, my dear friends, here is a synopsis of the finished work, for your delectation:
An absolutely incredible debut progressive rock album by ZACHARY SMITH called "OH THE PAIN ... THE PAIN"
Produced by Will Robinson
Engineered by John Robinson and Major Don West
Photograph by Fishmonger Pete and the Robot
Thanks to Maureen, Judy and Penny for keeping me fed and watered.
Dr Zachary Smith takes out Direct Corbett Space Insurance.
(a) The Sabotage
(b) Fiddling with the Robot
(a) Shit Scared Stowaway
(b) Unfreezing Major Don West
(a) The Rest of the Robinsons
(b) Flying Debris
4-The Dreadful Planet
(b) This Hostile Environment
7-Longing for Earth
9-The Snidey Smith Giant
10-Bad Back Blues
11-Still Longing for Earth
12-The Realisation (Earth Hope Gone)
13-Oh the Pain ... the Pain
(c) 1997 Smither Records