You'r 60 today...have a great one....Here's some of my favourite quotes of you:
On The X Factor: "It is a cruise ship show. I've got nothing against the people who go on – good luck to them. But I hate how they're treated. The record companies sell a lot of records and those people are gone. It's f***ing cruel."
On Hear'Say: "They have to be the ugliest band I've ever seen. If you're going to have a boy band or a girl band then they've got to be good-looking. The guy Danny looks like Shrek. I feel sorry for them."
On florists: "I loathe flower arranging – it's a hideous profession."
On Grammys, while reviewing a Stevie Wonder video on a kids' TV show: "Grammys only go to disabled people."
On Madonna's victory at the Q Awards in 2004: "Madonna Best Live Act? Since when has lip-synching been live? Anyone who lip-synchs on stage when you pay £75 to see them should be shot. That's me off her f***ing Christmas card list, but do I give a toss? No."
On The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King winning 11 Oscars in 2004: "It was the most boring Oscars I have seen. I thought there might be one surprise in the song category but even there The Lord Of The Rings won. And I don't think it deserved to."
On pop music: "The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Britney Spears, S Club 7, Steps – the music is like packets of cereal. There are too many of them, too many of them are just average and mediocre."
On appearing on Chris Moyles's breakfast show: "I haven't been to the BBC for so long, I almost went to the other building. But I saw Tony Blackburn on a walking stick and I thought, 'No, it's the wrong f***ing place'."
On George W Bush: "The worst thing that has ever happened to America."
On Cherie Blair's lifestyle guru Carole Caplin: "Who's that stupid cow who advises the Prime Minister? Carole Chaplin, Caplin – whatever her name is. She's a mindless f***ing turd."
On his football club Watford FC: "I'll be fine if I don't get an Oscar. I was chairman of Watford FC so I know what it's like to lose."
On Tony Blair and the Iraq invasion: "You lied to us, Tony. The Hutton Report made me wanna spit. It was like, these idiots think they can get away with anything. I voted for Tony. He's basically a nice guy. What happened? Is it because power does that thing to you, that you isolate yourself? It enrages me that people can just smirk their way through it."
On his grandma: "When she was visiting me in LA I'd just taken a load of pills and was threatening to throw myself in the pool. I told her I'd be dead in two hours and she replied, 'Oh, I better go home then'. "
On pseudonyms: "In hotels I use names like Binky Poodleclip and Sir Horace Pussy."
On HIV: "America is my second home. I slept with half of it and came out HIV negative. I'm a lucky, lucky person."
On ex-wife Renate: "The nicest person I have ever met. I don't have one negative thing to say about her."
On his mum Sheila: "I've always been a mummy's boy."
On Simon Cowell: "I am on the side of the artists. I am not on the side of someone like Simon Cowell, who sees them as another Mercedes Benz in his pocket."
To a critic who slated his duet Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word with Blue: "Sorry happens to be a beautiful song sung by Frank Sinatra, among others. As a musician, I know this. As a w***er, you wouldn't. Have a nice day."
On the Diana Memorial Fountain: "It's purely ugly. It looks like a sewer."
In a tirade to photographers and police waiting at Taiwan airport in 2004: "You are rude, vile pigs. Do you know what that means? Rude, vile pigs. That's what all of you are."
On David Beckham: "David's adorable – he's a great role model for young people now he's calmed down. He loves his wife, adores his kids, he's a modern father who isn't racist or homophobic. He loves his fashion. I really don't think there is a single bad bone in his body."
On women: "I can be driving along and see a woman and think, 'Phwoar, she's gorgeous.' I don't just fancy men."
To a female photographer who tried to snap him leaving Liz Hurley's house: "I hope you die of cancer of the clitoris."
On Robbie Williams: "I keep my eye on him from a distance. I worry about him. I always feel he's a bit of a loose cannon. He has that look in his eye."
On Geri Halliwell: "Whenever you see her she clings on to you. She's good company but she and Robbie just seem to be so obsessed with their careers."
On Rod Stewart: "When we get together I truly believe we are the funniest two people in the world. We just insult each other – but in a great way."
On Oasis: "They could have been the biggest band in the world but they blew it. It all came down to the fact that they were not prepared to work. And the drugs didn't help during their abortive trips to America."
On cocaine: "I have dreams when I have a white nose and it's all round my mouth and I'm trying to get it off my nose and my mother's coming in the room."
And cocaine again: "Sometimes when I'm flying over the Alps I think, 'That's all the cocaine I sniffed'. We once tried to figure out how much money we spent on coke and alcohol. We were so disgusted that we stopped."
On himself in the 1997 fly-on-the-wall documentary Tantrums And Tiaras: "She's an absolute cow! I had to laugh. I was just impossible."
On agents: "An agent is a person who is sore because an actor gets 90 per cent of what they make."
On success: "I cannot bear successful people who are miserable."
On sex: "There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex – they should draw the line at goats."
On the English: "People in England are so bloody nosy."
On his real name, Reg Dwight: "I was making a record and I had to choose a name because they said, 'You can't make a record under the name of Reg Dwight, because it's not attractive enough'."
On gadgets: "I was more ashamed that I couldn't work the washing machine than the fact that I was taking drugs."
On being gay: "I am the most well-known homosexual in the world."
On the 2006 World Cup: "I love football but I'm sick of the World Cup. Who cares about Angola versus Portugal? I don't even care about England."
On George Michael: "My fear is he just smokes too much dope."
On Brian McFadden's solo single Irish Son: "I nearly died when I heard it. I absolutely hated it. I had to take it off in case I committed suicide."
On his tantrums: "I think it is an Aries thing. I don't like it, but what can you do?"
On Ozzy Osbourne: "We have so much in common, apart from the hair. Mine is bought. His is real."
On the Bible: "I'm a mad shredder. I get these Bibles sent to me saying 'Repent now' and I shred them."
On playing at the private parties of German businessmen: "I sing Rocket Man, Candle In The Wind and Happy Birthday Dear Gunther – and get paid tens of thousands."
On the present he would give Liza Minnelli to celebrate her 2002 wedding to David Gest: "A heterosexual husband."
On singer Craig David in 2001: "If there's a better solo singer in the UK than Craig David, I'm Margaret Thatcher."
On spending £2million in a month: "I'm not a nest-egg person."
On Old Blue Eyes: "Sinatra was simply the best. No one else even comes close."
On himself: "A review in the Financial Times said I was an extremely funky pub pianist. That was a good summing-up of what I am."
After a fan said hello to him while he was on holiday in the South of France: "I'm supposed to be on f***ing holiday. I'm never coming here again. Get me on a plane tomorrow."
On his refusal to sell pictures of his wedding to David Furnish to a celebrity magazine: "Our relationship isn't up for grabs. Our love is sacred to us. It doesn't come with a price tag."
On film Billy Elliot: "I could barely watch it I was crying so much. It moved me because I could see myself in Billy. It was like my own childhood and how I broke out into my dream."
On his body: "I'm stocky. I've always had a body-image problem. No self-esteem. And that will never, ever leave me. It's improved, but I'm hypercritical of myself and the way I look."
On his music: "The great thing about rock and roll is that someone like me can be a star."
On David Furnish: "I took hostages and prisoners and expected them to adapt to my lifestyle. This relationship is very 50-50."
On Live 8 2005: "I thought it was a bit of an anticlimax, to be honest. The thought behind it was fantastic but Hyde Park is a charisma-free zone. There was no sense of occasion and, from a musical point, I didn't think there were too many highlights. I was very pleased to be a part of it but I didn't think it was anywhere near as good as the first one. How could it be?"
On Posh's attitude to husband David's alleged affair with Rebecca Loos: "I don't think they handled it very well."
On his own indiscretion: "I haven't got Tourette's syndrome but I can't censor myself. Why should I?"
On aggression: "I've always wanted to smash a guitar over someone's head. You just can't do that with a piano."
On songwriting: "At my age you've just got to make a decision about whether you are going to write for yourself or for the radio. I mean, how many f***ing hits can you have?"
On trying to live a normal life: "Well, I'm not ordinary, so it's not a struggle trying to be."
To sum it all of....YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE BITCH!
- Good luck David your stuck with him!