Stay Sleazy's Blog

WELL I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH THE ARISTOCRATS JOKE. BUT A FEW YEARS AGO THERE WAS A DOCUMENTARY PUT OUT ABOUT IT BECAUSE OF THE COMPLETE ABSURDITY OF IT ALL. REALLY ALL THE JOKE IS INTENDED TO DO IS SIMPLY TO SHOCK THE AUDIENCE BY SAYING THE MOST FOUL AND TOTALLY OBSCENE THINGS YOU CAN THINK OF. BASICALLY THE JOKE NORMALLY STARTS OUT WITH A MAN GOING INTO A TALENT AGENCY AND TRYING TO SELL A FAMILY ACT TO THE TALENT AGENT AND THE AGENT ASKS WHAT THEY DO IN THE ACT AND THAT'S WHEN THINGS GET MESSY. MORE OFTEN THAN NOT THE TELLER OF THE JOKE WILL INCLUDE NUMEROUS REFERENCES TO BEASTIALITY, INCEST, PROJECTILE VOMIT, SHIT, PISS, DEAD BABIES, AND ALL THAT OTHER GOOD STUFF. AND THEN COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH THE IDEA THE TALENT AGENT ASKS "HEY WHAT DO YA CALL THE ACT?" AND THE MAN WILL REPLY "THE ARISTOCRATS". WITH THE "JOKE" (AND NOTICE I USE THAT TERM LOOSELY AS THE WHOLE FUN OF IT IS PLACED IN GROSSING THE AUDIENCE OUT WITH THE OFFENSIVE CONTENT OF THE ACT) BEING THAT AN ARISTOCRAT WOULD NOT PARTAKE IN ANY THE ACTS MENTIONED IN THE JOKE. SO I POSTED A VERSION OF THE JOKE MANY MANY BLOGS AGO BUT I RECENTLY PURCHASED THE DOCUMENTARY AND UPON WATCHING IT AGAIN I DECIDED I WANTED TO GIVE IT ANOTHER GO, AND THIS TIME I ASK THAT ALL OF YOU GIVE IT A SHOT AS WELL. SO I'LL GO FIRST AND THEN JUST FEEL FREE TO SEND ME YOURS WHEN EVER THE MOOD STRIKES YA.

SO A MAN WALKS INTO A TALENT AGENTS OFFICE AND SAYS TO THE AGENT "HEY, HAVE I GOT AN ACT FOR YOU" SO THE TALENT AGENT LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS "YEA, WHAT IS IT?" SO THE MAN BEGINS TO DESCRIBE THE ACT AND SAYS "WELL IT'S REALLY QUITE SIMPLE,FIRST I COME OUT ON STAGE WITH A FIVE GALLON BUCKET AND SIT IT AT CENTER STAGE AND PLACE ONE END OF A HOSE IN THE BUCKET AND CLIMB UP ON A CHAIR ABOUT 7 FEET AWAY AND SHOVE THE OTHER END OF THE HOSE INTO MY RECTUM AND BEGIN TO FILL THE BUCKET WITH SOME PRETTY VIOLENT DIARRHEA. AT WHICH POINT MY WIFE COMES OUT LEANS OVER THE BUCKET OF MY LIQUID FECIES AND JUST STARTS TO THROW HER GUTS UP. THEN MY YOUNGEST SON AND DAUGHTER COME OUT NAKED AS THE DAY THEY WERE BORN. MY DAUGHTER CLIMBS UP ON A TABLE, GETS ON ALL FOURS WHILE MY SON GETS IN PLACE BEHIND HIS SISTER AND STARTS PUMPING AWAY, TRULY IS A THING OF BEAUTY LEMME TELL YA. AFTER A MINUTE OR 2 MY WIFE AND I ARE PRETTY MUCH DONE FILLING THE BUCKET WITH SHIT AND VOMIT WHEN MY DEAR OLD DAD STEPS ON STAGE DRESSED AS ADOLF HITLER CARRYING A LARGE WOODEN SPOON, COMES UP BEHIND ME AND REMOVES THE HOSE FROM MY ASS,... USING HIS TEETH OF COURSE. AND THEN HE STARTS STIRRING THE CONTENTS IN THE BUCKET WITH THE SPOON TO HELP BRING THE AROMAS TOGETHER AND REALLY FILL THE ROOM. NOW MY SON AND DAUGHTER STILL GOING AT IT PRETTY HEAVY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE CHANGE UP POSITIONS GET A LITTLE 69 ACTION GOIN' ON. JUST THEN THE FAMILY DOG SPARKLES BOUNDS ONTO THE STAGE FROM OUT OF THE AUDIENCE AND MY FATHER WHIPS OUT HIS DICK AND GRAB THE DOG FROM BEHIND AND REALLY LETS HIM HAVE IT. I MEAN I HAVEN'T SEEN SHIT LIKE THIS SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID AND MY FATHER WOULD BEND MY MOM OVER AT THE DINNER TABLE. BUT ANYWAY BACK TO THE ACT, AND SPEAKING OF MY MOTHER, GOD REST HER SOUL. WE WHEEL HER CORPSE OUT ON STAGE... SHE DIED, OH ABOUT 4 MONTHS AGO DURING A DONKEY SHOW IN MEXICO... HELL OF A LADY. WELL THAT'S WHEN ME AND MY DAD JACKOFF ALL OVER DEAR OLD MOM. WHILE MY WIFE STRAPS ON A 12 INCH DILDO AND STARTS TO BANG MY DAUGHTER, WHO BY THE WAY IS STILL SITTING ON HER BROTHER'S FACE WHILE SUCKING HIM OFF. SO THIS ALL GOES ON FOR A FEW MINUTES WHEN MY ELDEST SON AND DAUGHTER COME ON STAGE WITH A FEW BUNSON BURNERS AND SOME GLASS BEAKERS AND THEY FILL THE BEAKERS UP WITH THE VOMIT/FECIES MIXTURE FROM THE BUCKET AND PLACE THEM ON THE BURNERS JUST TO GET THEM WARMED UP A LITTLE BIT. THEN MY YOUNGEST TWO FINISH OFF THEIR GO AT EACH OTHER WITH A FANTASTIC MONEY SHOT FROM MY SON, INTO A FUNNEL THAT MY DAUGHTER HAD STRATEGICALLY PLACED IN HER VAGINA. BUT THIS IS WHERE THE REAL FUN STARTS WE LINE UP ALL THE WOMEN... MY WIFE NEXT TO HER MY OLDEST DAUGHTER, THEN MY YOUNGEST, THE MY MOTHER'S CORPSE AND WE ALL TAKE A PARTNER. SO MY DAD IS FUCKING MY WIFE, MY YOUNGEST SON IS NOW FUCKING HIS OLDER SISTER, I'M FUCKING MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER AND MY OLDEST SON IS REALLY TAKING IT TO HIS DEAR OLD DEAD GRANNY. THEN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES IN ITS TIME FOR A POSITION CHANGE AND WE ALL MOVE AROUND AND GET A NEW PARTNER SO NOW MY DAD IS FUCKING HIS OLDEST GRANDDAUGHTER, MY YOUNGEST BOY JUMPS RIGHT IN TOP OF HIS MOTHER AND I'M TELLIN YA THAT KID IS REALLY COMFORTABLE IN THAT HOLE... I MEAN YEA ONLY CAME OUT OF IT 12 YEARS AGO, BUT NOW HE CUMS IN IT ABOUT 4 TIMES A WEEK... THOSE 2 REALLY HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP. BUT ANYWAY HE'S BANGING HIS MOM, I'M BANGING MY MOM, AND MY OLDEST SON IS FUCKING MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER. AND WE FINISH THIS PORTION OF THE ACT OFF WITH ALL THE MEN BUSTING THEIR NUT ON A RICE CAKE AND FEEDING IT TO SPARKLES. AND NOW WE GET THE BIG FINISH... WITH THE FECIES/VOMIT MIXTURE AT A NICE TEMPERATURE NOW, TURN OFF THE BURNERS AND THROW THE BEAKERS ONTO THE FLOOR SHATTERING THE GLASS AND SPLASHING THE SHIT AND PUKE ALL AROUND. AND THEN THE MUSIC STARTS, AND THE WHOLE FAMILY JOINS IN ON A SPIRITED SONG AND DANCE ROUTINE ACROSS THE SHIT, PUKE, JIZZ, GLASS, AND BLOOD COVERED FLOOR SET TO THE TUNE OF LYNYRD SKYNYRD'S CLASSIC "THAT SMELL". THE SONG ENDS AND WE ALL TAKE A BOW AT CENTER STAGE AND THE CURTAIN DROPS".

SO THEN THE MAN SAYS "SO WHAT DO YA THINK ABOUT THAT?" AND THE TALENT AGENT JUST LOOKS AT HIM FOR A FEW MOMENTS TRYING TO COLLECT HIS THOUGHTS ABOUT WHAT HE JUST HEARD, WHEN FINALLY HE GATHERS HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO SPEAK AND SAYS "WHY THAT JUST MAY BE THE SINGLE GREATEST ACT I HAVE EVER HEARD OF. WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?" AND THE MAN SAYS "THE ARISTCOCRATS"

OK SO THERE YOU HAVE MY VERSION. NOW JUST GIVE IT A SHOT YOURSELF. I'LL EVEN START YA OFF.

SO A MAN WALKS INTO A TALENT AGENTS OFFICE AND SAYS "HEY HAVE I GOT AN ACT THAT WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF" AND THE AGENT SAYS OK LEMME HEAR WHAT YA GOT"...

WELL RECENTLY I FOUND MYSELF IN QUITE THE SHITTY SITUATION... LITERALLY. I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, SEATED ON MY PORCELAIN THRONE LIKE A KING IN HIS COURT. WHEN I REALIZED THAT THIS WAS NO ORDINARY FECAL DISCHARGE THAT WAS LAID OUT BEFORE ME. I COULD TELL IT WAS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE ONES WHERE I WAS DEFINITLY GONNA HAVE TO TAKE A SHOWER AFTERWARDS, JUST TO REALLY SHINE THINGS UP NICE, YA KNOW?... OF COURSE YA DO. I HATE THOSE ONES BECAUSE OF COURSE WHEN YA WIPE, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER WHAT WINDS UP HAPPENING IS THAT YOU REALLY JUST WIND UP SPREADING THE SHIT FURTHER UP THE CRACK OF YOUR ASS. AND I BET YA ALSO KNOW THAT WHEN A SHIT LIKE THAT COMES ALONG IT'S PRETTY DAMN NECESSARY TO DO A COMPLETE OVER HAUL BELOW THE WAIST AND BREAK OUT THAT PINK FLUFFY THING THAT YOU'RE ASHAMED TO ADMIT YA USE, BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT WHEN THE WATER RUNS DOWN YOUR ASS CRACK AND STARTS TO CLEAN IT OUT OF ALL THE HERSHEY RESIDUE, IT'S PRETTY MUCH JUST WASHING IT DOWN YOUR LEGS AND DOWN AND AROUND INTO THE GOOCH REGION (OR YOUR COOTER, FOR MY FEMALE READERS) SO THERE YOU GO SCRUBBING ALL OVER THE PLACE MAKING SURE YOU GOT THAT SITUATION UNDER CONTROL, BECAUSE YA REALLY DON'T WANNA LEAVE A SINGLE THING BEHIND. BECAUSE THEN THE WHOLE OPERATION IS PRETTY MUCH A BUST.

AND THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME... I MADE ONE OF THE MOST PROFOUND REALIZATIONS THAT I HAVE EVER MADE. IT ACTUALLY SHOCKED HOW PERFECT IT WAS. THE SHIT THAT I WAS TAKING AND THE FOLLWING PROCESS OF THE MASSIVE CLEAN UP WAS EXACTLY LIKE THE IRAQ WAR!

DON'T BELIEVE ME? LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. FIRST OF ALL, HONESTLY THINGS LIKE THAT SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN. (THE SHIT OR THE WAR) BUT THEY DO HAPPEN. YOU MAY NOT BE HAPPY ABOUT IT AT ALL... BUT IT HAPPENS. AND ONCE YOU'RE IN, YOU'RE IN. THERE REALLY IS NO PULLING OUT HALFWAY THRU. LIKE YOU WOULDN'T JUST GET UP FROM THAT DUMP AND WALK AWAY WITHOUT CLEANING UP THE SITUATION AND ACTUALLY HAVE EVERYTHING TURN OUT FINE, JUST LIKE, YEA IT'S FUCKED UP THAT WE'RE STILL INVOLVED IN THIS WHOLE IRAQ THING BUT JUST WALKING AWAY FROM IT WON'T SOLVE IT AT THIS POINT EITHER. WE WENT IN THERE AND TRIED TO CLEAN UP THE MESS, AND BASICALLY MADE OURSELVES A BIGGER ONE. BECAUSE AS SOON AS WE CLEAR OUT ONE OF THE PROBLEM AREAS, IT JUST SPREADS TO SOMEWHERE ELSE. AND WITH BOTH OF THEM ALL YA CAN DO IS HOPE AND PRAY THAT IT ALL TURNS OUT FINE AND THAT EVERYONE MAKES IT OUT IN THE SAME CONDITION THAT THEY WENT INTO IN.

BUT THAT'S JUST MY TAKE ON THE SITUATION(s)